I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
