i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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