you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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