she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
