Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
