Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
