i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
