I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
