I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
