This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i came on her dog
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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