My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
