Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You brought string cheese to the strip club
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
