Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
