1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
