smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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