i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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