hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize