I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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