you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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