kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize