That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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