Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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