your thong is hanging out like whoa
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She told me I should be a condom model.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
