3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
White coat. Heels.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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