From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
