Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
