Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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