I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
