No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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