There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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