im six kinds of drunk right now
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
