I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
