I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
