"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize