Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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