Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
