i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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