Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
