You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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