if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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