trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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