apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize