The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
