remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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