Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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