Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
