I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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