next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
