Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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