Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
