i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
