I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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