weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
