literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Randomize
