He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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