I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my being single is dangerous.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
