you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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