That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
