why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize