Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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