Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
