Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
